You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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