Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
