hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
