just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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