First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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