who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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