Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
