I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
