my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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