I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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