one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
