can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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