I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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