it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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