Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
