I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Found the puke drawer
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
