I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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