saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
