Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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