Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
