im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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