you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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