i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
