Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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