How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
