i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
