its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize