she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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