I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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