Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
