You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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