Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
