Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
