Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
