so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
