Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
