glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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