i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
