and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
