I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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