My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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