Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
