Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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