OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Randomize
