At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
