I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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