Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
