I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
