The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
