I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
