I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
