I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
