My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
