If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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