Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
