Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
